Revelation o' the day

I love revelations. They often are the work of my beloved "shower fairy" (a la Richard Bach in _One_), or occasionally the running fairy.

My latest revelation:
Right now I'm finding the balance between "go after what I want" (aka, being more selfish/outspoken about my own needs and wants instead of constantly deferring to others), and "just shut up and let life happen" (aka, stop overthinking everything and just let the universe do what it does).

It's a fun ride.

All I ask of you

This is a song from Phantom of the Opera, but I recently realized the truth of it when applied to animal rescue. Animals have SO much love to give, and all they want from us is that we let them love us, and that we love them and care for them and keep them safe. We are their world, unconditionally and with complete forgiveness for any of our faults or mistakes.

The context for the song is a conversation between Christine, who has been under the Phantom's obsessive and controlling spell, and Raoul, the man who loves her.

All I ask of you

Raoul:

No more talk of darkness

Forget these wide-eyed fears

I'm here, nothing can harm you

My words will warm and calm you

Let me be your freedom

Let daylight dry your tears

I'm here with you, beside you

To guard you and to guide you

Christine:

Say you'll love me every waking moment

Turn my head with talk of summertime

Say you'll need me with you now and always

Promise me that all you say is true

That's all I ask of you

R:

Let me be your shelter

Let me be your light

You're safe, no one will find you

Your fears are far behind you

C:

All I want is freedom

A world with no more night

And you, always beside me

To hold me, and to hide me

R:

Then say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime

Let me lead you from your solitude

Say you'll want me with you here beside you

Anywhere you go, let me go too...

That's all I ask of you

C:

Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime

R&C:

Say the word, and I will follow you

Share each day with me, each night, each morning

C: Say you'll love me

R: You know I do

Both:

Love me, that's all I ask of you

Goodbye, my darling Tess. I love you so much.

Three posts in one. Posted initially as a note on facebook, and reposted here to share with you, and be easier to find later. Thank you.

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10 Jan 2011, 5:24pm

To my friends:

Some of you know how hard it is for me to ask for help, even when I need it. But I need to at least put this out there, for Tess's sake. Because I won't be able to live with myself if I don't at least try.

I got home from the last night of the big dance weekend event at 5:30 this morning to find Tess hiding under the bed (where it is very cold) struggling to breathe, though she tried to meow at me in greeting even then. I put all my stuff down and gently pulled her out from under the corner of the bed, and almost immediately had her try to throw up and nearly pass out from not being able to breathe enough during the convulsions. So I got right back in the car and drove her 35 min to Angell Memorial emergency hospital where they put her on oxygen right away and I waited to talk with the vet. Between myself and my parents, I was able to put together the initial $1100 for hospitalization and diagnostics, so she stayed there for xrays and bloodwork and I zombied my physically and emotionally exhausted self through rush hour traffic and finally got back home hours later to crawl into bed (still fully clothed) and sleep for a few hours until the vet called.

The prognosis is not good. X-rays and thyroid tests were clear, but she has evidence of some kidney disease, and there is definitely something going on in her upper airway that requires further examination to figure out. Unfortunately, the initial treatment to counteract the kidney disease (the primary cause of her discomfort other than the breathing) is an additional $600, and the diagnostics to figure out what's going on in her upper respiratory system are about $1500 on top of that. Without treatment to counteract the kidney disease ($600), I can bring her home and she might have a couple of days, during which her body will become increasingly dehydrated and toxic (because she won't be able to discharge metabolic wastes, etc). With that treatment, there's a chance of stabilizing her body enough for her to be in less pain for whatever time she has left, which could be weeks or months. Without additional diagnostics on her upper airway ($1500), there's no way of knowing what is causing the breathing difficulty, and thus no way to address it. If we do those tests, there's a chance that they will find something that can be treated, though it's not guaranteed.

So here's my tremendous frustration: I don't have the money. I don't have any way of getting the money. I *HATE* that money is a limiting factor in this situation. I have a fantastic new job... that doesn't start for another few weeks and for which I won't get paid for another month or more. I have some things I can sell, but that will take time as well. I have had barely enough income to pay rent and bills for multiple recent years, and while things are looking up right this moment, they are not up yet. In order to get the kidney treatment started, they need the additional $600 first. So I need help. I know most of you have very little money also, but love Tess a lot too and might want to help her in her last weeks with us. For the record, yes, I am fully considering euthenasia among my options, but I'm not ready for it yet, and I honestly feel that she isn't yet either.

For those of you who don't understand what she means to me, I'll attempt to tell you... When I was 15, my family moved from St. Louis to Dallas. As any 15 yr old, I was a little upset about it. I was volunteering at the Humane Society at the time, and the day after my parents told me we were moving, I was cleaning the individual cages in the cat room and one cat in the "adult female cats" group pen kept climbing up the chain-link wall to eye level, and climbing back and forth across the fence to follow me as I was working, meowing the whole time. Suffice to say, she made it very clear that she was absolutely suppsed to be in my life, starting that very moment. I asked my parents as soon as they came to pick her up, telling them how distinctly she had picked me and using the fact that they were making me move as a bit of leverage, though I don't think I really needed it. We adopted her immediately (her name was Sidney at the time, and she was 6 mos old), and she went right into a very contented sleep in her box on the way home, with me sitting next to her and petting her the whole time.

She was actually very shy and extremely wary of strangers, so for the next 6 mos she barely left my room, and then only to follow me around the house from room to room, sitting on my lap or under a table lamp next to me whenever I was in one place long enough. Life progressed for a couple of years, including our move to Dallas and me finishing high school, during which she was a constant presence in my life. My freshman year of college I had to leave her behind when I lived in the dorms, and I missed her so much (and she wasn't very happy either) I moved into an apartment my sophomore year specifically so she could come live with me. That first year of college is the only period of time that Tess has not been with me in her entire life, and even then I was home every few weekends to visit.

Tess has moved with me through a dozen apartments in college, lived in 4 states, and been on cross-country road trips multiple times. We had a deal every time I moved that I would set up her food/water/litterbox and my bed with her blanket on it before I unpacked anything else so that she would know where her stuff was and everything was "normal", despite being in a new home. To this day, even when having a hard time moving around much, she will meow to figure out where I am in the house (or tell me to come where she is), and she has always come up to me and wanted to be near me/touching me/sitting on me if she senses I'm upset about something.

Tess has been with me for more than half my life. I love her so much, and she has been through so much with me, I can't give up on her yet. I would love to be able to do the full diagnostics and strive for that one slim chance that we'll find something treatable, but I know that's asking a lot. But she needs the kidney disease treatments for her body to stabilize enough for her to even have any chance at having a few more peaceful days at home on her bed or in her chair, and with lots of love surrounding her.

Tim occasionally joked that he would never ask me to choose between him and Tess, because he knew the answer would be Tess. Tim can take care of himself, if necessary; Tess can't. I am responsible for her, and I owe her so much love. She is such a part of me, I need to try to do what can be done.

Thank you for being my friends, and for anything you can give, from positive, caring thoughts, to money, to hugs or food for me... This will be a very hard few days for me, and are already so much harder for Tess.

If you would like to give a donation (all proceeds will go directly to Tess' care), you can do so in person, to my bank account (call for info) or via paypal to smythling@gmail.com. If you'd like to pay me in advance for some service (dance lessons - $40/hr, curtains - $75-200, jewelry - $15+, whatever...), I would be glad to work for it later.

Thank you, with all my heart.

10 Jan 2011, 8:30pm

Thank you so much to all who wrote, or sent, or thought, or prayed. When I wrote this note a few hours ago, I thought I would have another day or two, at least. But when I got to the hospital tonight it was clear that she was struggling so much simply to hold on, and the change was noticeable even from this morning. So I was forced to accept that it was time to let her go. I don't think I can describe the magnitude and multitude of ways I will miss her. Terribly, at the very least.

When I first was in the ICU cuddling with her in her cage, she tried to come over to me, and even though she was in so much discomfort, she still weakly did that wonderful gesture I love so much, using her paw to pull my hand over to her chin to be scratched. She died curled up on my lap in a cozy private room with soft lighting and comfy couches, laying on top of her favorite bed in her favorite lap-spot. The end was very peaceful - she curled her head up alongside my arm, the way she contentedly would have any other day, and simply let go. She was ready.

The people at Angell were amazingly wonderful, and we had all the time we needed before and after. I am so grateful for that time and their compassion.

For those of you who would still like to contribute something, thank you. I would be glad to put it towards paying my mother back some of the money she so graciously lent me this morning.

Thank you, everyone, for caring about me and the wonderful creatures who share my life.

Goodnight.

11 Jan 2011, 2pm

I keep getting reminded of things about Tess I may not have thought about in years... like how she would come meowing up to me when I sat down at the piano for an hour or two after school each day in high school, and want to sit on the bench next to me, meowing if I started singing too loudly. :)

And most of her life she has had a basket/bed on top of my desk under whatever shelves/hutch I had above it. I just recently made her a spot like that for my desk here, after not having such a thing for many years, and she immediately started coming up to me every time I was at my desk, meowing to be picked up so she could snuggle up in her bed right next to me.

Hah... in high school I was always running around busy with this, that, or the other (Who, me? Can't imagine that, eh?), so Tess got into the habit of coming into the bathroom anytime I was in there, because it was one assured time I was in one place long enough to pay attention to her. :D

When I first got her, and she was still so shy, I would lure her into the rest of the house by dragging a long piece of string along the floor behind me. She would, of course, be unable to resist the temptation, and for years after would follow me all over the house if I had a piece of string.

She also was an AMAZING jumper. She used to do this trick where she would sit in a doorway or under a chair down the hall, and I would lightly scratch my nails on a doorframe about 5' up (eye level for me). She would race down the hall and LAUNCH herself up the doorframe to tap my fingers, then go racing down the hall again, or into the room.

Speaking of that, did you know that Tess did tricks? I didn't have a dog for a while in college, and training animals is in my soul, so I taught her. :) She would sit on command, sit up and beg, stand up on her hind legs... she was a smart kitty. :)

Tess was also a fantastic climber, and loved being on the top shelf of whatever she could find. Often I could tell that she wanted to be on top of something, or at least see what was up there, but couldn't quite get onto whatever it was. So I'd pick her up in my arms and she'd stand on me with her back legs and either jump up, or just stretch up to see/smell whatever it was she was curious about.

She loved to sneak under the covers when it was cold out, and wanted to do that a lot last week.

I miss her. Every version of her from every day of her life, all present in my heart as everything that she is and was.